I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now