Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!