Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship