*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.