I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.