*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
#TopTip
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
never ask a starfish for directions
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.