I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
my name if I was in the mob
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call