Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I put the h in mysterious.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I cannot stop laughing at this
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.