Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.