In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.