Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Come back with a warrant
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.