Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Seas the day!!!!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Not all heroes wear capes…
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*