I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait