Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Breaking news:
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked