If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.