*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Friends that check up on you >
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA