I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
oppen heimer style lol
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
this came to me in a vision