Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Namaste
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.