Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I did not eat the cake…
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.