A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.