Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Life hack
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Time for evil
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot