Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.