I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Called it
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away