Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.