Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
selena gomez
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them