[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”