I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
How to wake up a Beagle
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.