dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.