Cucumbers Anonymous
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no