kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
translated into Canadian