[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️