My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
How times have changed.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*limbos under the caution tape
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Born to be mild.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Your honor these allegations are
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird