If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I think this cat is broken