Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
🤣
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows