I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Received some very disappointing news today
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.