Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”