Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.