I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
twitter users today:
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.