i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You Might Also Like
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.