Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.