I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school