ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If only.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now