If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.