I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.