Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
You Might Also Like
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.