The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”