[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
You Might Also Like
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
In Canada they just call them geese
I want to meet the individual who made this
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard