She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.