*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
can’t catch a break
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.