friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark